Hierarchy of Needs

As humans, we have desires and needs that must be fulfilled for us to function well and to be truly happy.  In 1943 according to simplepsychology.org, Abraham Maslow came up with what he considered to be the "Hierarchy of Needs".  His theory proposed that humans have five basic needs; elf actualization, esteem, social needs, safety, and physiological.  Each of these needs motivate humans.  We seek to gain each of them, and by attaining them, we tend to feel a certain satisfaction.  Fulfilling these needs becomes a journey, and the journey to achieve the social needs starts with family.

Social needs comprise mostly of seeking for love and belongingness.  These feelings come from a variety of areas, but first and foremost the originate in family life.  When we are born, our first social interaction is presumably with our family.  We belong to the family, and their love is what we grow up being surrounded by.  As we grow older, we still seek this love and compassion.  We find love in different areas such as friends or significant others.  The search for a place to belong leads many people to join sports teams, greek life, the military, clubs, and so many other areas.  It is quite apparent that the human needs to be loved and feel accepted, but why?

Maslow believes that the need for belonging and love creates a sense of security and fulfillment.  The feeling of others accepting us and loving us helps give us a sense of safety in ours lives.  With our society moving away from having family at the center of life, we are moving away from our ability to easily fulfill our needs.  According to his theory, Maslow believes that these needs must come from a motivation to have self growth.  In other words, we cannot simply just fall upon these needs without effort.

It is no secret that families are difficult.  Belonging to a family might not always feel as though it is an essential need to our emotional well being.  Yet, quite simply it is.  Throughout this blog, I have stressed the importance of family in all aspects of life.  I have discussed its important in my life and the wonderful memories it has provided me with.  Family plays an important role in shaping who we are.  We learn to interact, love, and live because of our families.  At the end of the day, they are who we can come to.  Most importantly however, our families help us fulfill the needs that we must obtain in order to be truly satisfied in life.

Remembering the role our families play in our hierarchy of needs is of pinnacle importance.  Push yourself to put the emphasis back on your family.  As you enter the holiday season, give thanks for all that they provide you.  I wish you and your families all a very happy Thanksgiving.

http://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html

The Importance of Family

If you were to turn on the TV and watch a popular program, there is a good chance that you would come across a show with the family at the center. Take ABC for example. They air Modern Family, Blackish, and Fresh of the Boat.  Each of the shows, and many other extremely popular programs feature a family or a collection of friends who have bonded and created an quasi family.  So what does this mean? Why does family seem to play a pivotal role in television programming? At the core we are born into a family, and as humans we strive to find love and acceptance, and a strong family provides for our human needs for companionship and belonging.

Think of the typical and beloved TV family. Take the Cunninghams on Happy Days, or my favorite, the Dunpheys on Modern Family. Both programs focus on a certain character, their experiences, and problems.  We feel for them, sympathize for them, experience their pain, and share their joy.  A typical program generally follows the individual through daily events and occurrences that may be a bit more fictional than our daily lives.  However, when trouble hits, or strife arises in their life, they have their family to fall back on.  In Happy Days, Richie, a main character often finds himself in a good deal of trouble, only to be assisted by his loving family.  In Modern Family, each of the members seems to have a deficiency that makes them reliant on each other.  Phil, the father, is a softie on his children, whereas his wife, Claire takes the dominant role as the disciplinarian.  In this example, they can really on each other as family to make up for each others short comings.

Even when our TV icons and favorites fall short and fail, despite any misgivings or conflicts between themselves and their family, there seems to be a general pattern.  When difficulties arise, they need their families.  It makes sense right? Daily life is a tough regime that can be punishing.  Pulling of life without family to support you would be difficult indeed.  So why then do we have a large presence of family in our media lives, but often times not in our own? It is so easy to become enveloped in our personal lives and forget that we have a support system at our backs.  If we simply make an effort to realize this, life might just be a little bit brighter.

Television families are quite entertaining with their humor, and at the same time they are touching as they heroically band together as a family and persevere through hardships.  It is so easy to forget what we have.  We might not even notice the support our families can provide as a result of our own ignorance.  Nevertheless, our families are our support systems.  We may not choose them, and we may not even like them all the time, but at the end of they day, just like TV, they are family, and we need only realize their importance to help put the focus back on family life.

The Mischief of Childhood

As children, it seems that our job was to annoy our parents at every possible opportunity.  Children are experts in the art of creating messes, hurting themselves, and being slightly crazy.  To add to that mix is a general air of mischief.  As Henry Fielding once said, "When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief".  As a young child, along with my siblings, I spent a ton of time doing nothing.  My brother and I in particular were and are a mischievous duo.  We devised the most elaborate plans that were filled with bad decisions.  My other three siblings also took part in the fun, much to the pleasure of my parents.  As always, these stories of mischief are family favorites that bring us together and provide plenty of laughter. 

My brother and I have come up with wildly stupid ideas in the past that were based on principles of logic and science unknown to mankind.  My favorite of these plans happened about three years ago, so admittedly I really wasn't a child.  For some reason my brother and I decided to make a Molotov cocktail using bee spray, a plastic bottle, and a piece of string.  So we poured bee spray into the bottle, put a string in it, screwed on the cap, and lit the string on fire.  Overjoyed by our excellent plan, we seemed to have forgotten that plastic does indeed melt, and melt it did.  Very quickly the bottle blew up and lit the lawn on fire, prompting panic and a sprint for the garden hose.  That afternoon when my Father arrived home from work, he was greeted by a large burned patch of grass, which of course my brother and I had no idea about.  Since this experiment we have refined our methods and utilized better materials.  

As I mentioned in earlier posts, each year my family goes on a trip to the Outer Banks in North Carolina.  The house we rent has pool out back behind the house.  One day, my sister, brother, my cousin, and I figured out that we could leap from the second story balcony into the pool.  It was terrifying, yet it seemed like a decent idea to us.  It was a rather grand discovery that lasted all of about five minutes before we were discovered by my grandmother, and quickly escorted to have a friendly chat with irate parents.   After being scolded, we promptly ran downstairs in the basement to play catch with the billiards balls, which has claimed three of my brother's teeth the year prior.  

These stories might be stupid, dangerous, or even could be considered ill planned.  Yet they play an integral part in growing up.  As kids we make dumb decisions, and we continue making more decisions that lack common sense.  Yet as families, we can look towards the mischievousness of kids and their schemes with amusement.  

The struggles

Family would not be family without fighting and strife among members.  Arguing is almost synonymous with family and gatherings.  A family without the typical crazy and embarrassing member or troubles in general is a rarity indeed.  Difficulties in dealing with each other are normal occurrences.  After all, it is extremely difficult to get along with the people that you know better than anyone.  In my family, troubles occur regularly, but it is how we deal with them that we become stronger as a family.

I think we can all look back on our early teenage years and realize that we might not have been the nicest people in the world.  Hormones, changes in school, and growing pressure all make early teenage life not always pleasant.  For a large family such as mine, troubles for one person usually turn out to be a problem for everyone.  My Brother Ryan is fourteen, which my mom calls the "second age of terror".   This name is rather fitting aa my brother pretty much hates everything on the planet.  I don't think he does it on purpose, and I know he isn't consciously attempting to himself on death row with my mother, but he currently is a very angry child.  I myself was a huge brat at his age.  I hated everyone and everything.  My sister Abby was also the same way, except her teenage attitude was dulled by the fact that she became a hermit at 13, and I didn't see her leave her room until she turned 15, earning her the name "Gollum".  Despite the problems though, we as a family manage.

Dealing with problems such as raging teenagers really does present problems for families.  As I said before, many families struggle through having estranged members or having dire problems and conflicts.  In society today, families are often presented as these fractured entities that fight non stop.  Reality TV distorts our view of the family, and instead of a strong family, we see back stabbing and hatred.  As a result of rising divorce rates, financial troubles, and many other factors, family life is more difficult than ever.  However, the remedy to the situation is not as far fetched or unattainable as it might seem.  In my family, we deal with problems together everyday.  Some of the problems between us have been harder than others in the past, yet we owe or success and strength as a family to  simply communicating, and in my mind, a healthy respect of my parents.

Families are given to us.  We don't choose them, and they do not choose us.  Often times, coexisting can be nearly impossible.  However, we only get one family.  We will only ever have one family, and it is our job to be a part of it, and cherish it as best we can.

A time of Thanks

The time of year ushers in a new pace of life.  Despite the impending holidays and the promise of vacation and time with family, the holiday season is practically upon us.  With the season comes a hectic and chaotic time, filled with large expenses and long drives.  If holidays are to be enjoyed, why is the season so fast paced?  My family is no exception to the rush of the holidays.  We shop, prepare, cook, bake, and seemingly watch the time fly by without any notice.  Yet with a day like Thanksgiving steadily approaching, it is our responsibility to step back and remember the integral importance of the day in our lives and the lives of our families.  

Each year for as long as I can remember, my family has been conned into holding the family thanksgiving meal.  I am being quite cynical when I say con, but man is it a ton of work.  The thanksgiving meal, as with anything involved with my family, is a colossal production.  According the last years consensus, we has 46 people attend.  That means a few things.  Firstly it means that my mother is brought to near insanity from sleepless nights over preparing and cooking an excellent meal for 100 people (the leftovers last us well into December).  Also involved is my brother and I trading our room for a tent in the backyard to accommodate guests.  My siblings and I spend long hours being chased down by my mother for various different infractions such as making a mess, eating in the clean kitchen.  My brother and I jokingly refer to my mother as the warden during the Thanksgiving time.  The more I jest though, the more I realize how worthwhile the arduous work is.  

Thanksgiving day is my favorite day of the year.  All of the chaos and rush melts away and fades into the background of jovial conversations and family members enjoying the company of others.  The food is almost always excellent, except this one truly awful dish that my aunt makes each year that is filled with tomatoes (which I haven't eaten in years).  The annual football game always takes place, generally followed by everyone playing my my uncle in pingpong who is semi professional.  Most likely I am describing scenes similar to many other families across the nation who spend their thanksgiving together.  

If you are not a fan of the family functions that take place during the holiday season I offer you my heartfelt sympathy.  The meal at Thanksgiving is symbolic of everything that a family should be.  Together under one roof, united and gathered for a special meal, enjoying company and giving thanks for all they have been given.  Perhaps this post is a bit early, but it mirrors my excitement for the coming holiday.  If I accomplished anything in this post, I hope I imparted some elation for the holidays.  As always, use the time to connect with your family.  Use the holiday season to bring the emphasis of family back into your life.  

Family Vacations

Vacations are a much needed break for many families across the country.  Chaotic and busy lives drive us to the edge of life.  The family vacation has, in my opinion, always had the power to re energize someone, as well as the family overall.  According to the United States travel association, the number one reason for Americans to vacation is to visit relatives.  My family is no exception.  For the past thirty five years, my relatives have visited the Outer Banks,  North Carolina.  Last year marked my nineteenth time making the long eight hour drive to the beach.  However, these trips are so much more to me than trips to the beach.  They showcase the power of family unity and the importance that family has in my life.

In my times traveling to and from the beach, I have spent over twelve days driving to and from the Outer Banks.  It is quite a hike, especially in a hot minivan with seven people that is filled to the point that the car is quite obviously sagging very low.  The stories of the annual OBX vacation provide plenty of rich and disgusting memories for my family.  For the purpose of the blog, and hopefully the entertainment of readers, I will recount the disgusting.  The most recounted story regards my brother Ryan.  Every year, without fail, he vomits within two hours of the start of the ride.    He has vomited in my lap, on the window, on the floor, and on just about every other surface of the car.  Another favorite story that is retold to embarrass me is the time that I decided to dive into the ocean in about three feet of water, which resulted in a concussion and a very bloody face for me.

I forgot to mention a very important part of this vacation.  Each year there are 27 of us in one house.  It is a scene that resembles a war zone.  Fourteen kids (not including my uncles), run wild around the house that we rent, creating messes and problems as we go.  Despite the chaos, it all turns out to be a perfect week for our family to catch up and forget the worries that plague us outside of the utopia that vacations often create.  We fish, hunt for sea shells, hit the beach, play hundreds of rounds of Parcheesi, and engage in furious and profanity ridden matches of badminton.  The bottom line is that being close together under one roof, sharing stories, food, and fun builds our family up in ways no other event can.  

Sadly, like much of family life, the rate of adults traveling with their children is declining steadily.  We may often look forward for a family getaway to simply relax and take time for ourselves.  While important, we cannot forget the need to build our families stronger.  Next time you go on a vacation as a family, step back and enjoy the time that you have with them.  

The number 5

I have always asked my parents why they decided to have five children for many reasons.  Kids are expensive, time consuming, and a considerable amount of work.  However, what has mystified me about why my parents had five children is the fact that its such a bad number for everything.  It doesn't divide evenly, and it creates the infamous and in my opinion, the dreaded middle child.  In practical terms, five makes even the most simple things difficult.  In the past it has created problems about who shares rooms, who sits where at the dinner table, and there are only four spots when it comes to sitting next to Mom or Dad in church.  So inevitably someone becomes the lone man, which has led me to seriously question my parent's decision.  The curse of five is most apparent though, when it comes to the car ride.
One of the perks of being in a large family is that we get to cruise around in a minivan.  That being said, when all seven of us ride in the car, we take every spot up.  I know at this point you may not see the problem, so I will make it easier for you.  So obviously my parents get the two front seats, which leaves five other seats.  There are the two front captains chairs (these are akin to first class), and then there are three seats in the back.  The problem is that there is no fair way to rotate who sits in the front and back.  The crux of the issue is that someone always get stuck in the back twice in a row.  The best interpretation I can give is that sitting in the back is just a truly awful experience.  Having to sit in the back twice in a row takes guts.  On a long car ride such as our annual trip to the Outer Banks, the back seat can be a near death sentence.  It has been the cause of many tears from both my siblings and myself.  Many times, after the fights that the car rides cause, I am sure that my parents wonder why they had five kids too.  Currently this issue has been resolved due to my absence, which I am constantly reminded of thanks to my little sisters.
Despite all of the problems involved in the lack of the ability for the number five to be divided, it works out.  I have never been bored, and whenever I want to play a pickup game of 4-square or badminton, I have four others to play with.  The benefits outweigh the cons involved, although there are many on both sides.  Whenever I ask my parents why they had five kids, the first tell me because they didn't want to be rich, and second because they loved growing up in families of five.

The Dinner Table

When we look at our own lives and think about the daily events that take place, it can be rather overwhelming.  Sports, homework, social life, and so much else consumes us, leaving us wondering where the time went.  Much of the time we spend is in the virtual world, whether it be on the phone, computer, or watching television.  It is because of this that my family always places and emphasis on sharing meals together.  With very few exceptions, we ate as a family seven nights a week.  The family dinner table has provided us with a solid chunk of time to simply enjoy the company of family, and leave our hectic lives behind.

With seven people at a dinner table, each of whom had a full day of events and experiences, there is always something to be discussed.  As soon as grace is said, it is a race to start talking first to tell everyone about your day.  Conversation at my dinner table ranged from daily events and politics, to sports and picking on someone.  Invariably, someone was singled out almost overnight to be teased as a result of something they said or did.  My family meals make up many of my favorite memories such as the time that my brother Ryan, at the age of twelve, found out the dressing wasn't said as "Dresseling".  A reoccurring and timeless family classic was watching my sister Abby try to eat food that she hated, which consisted of her gagging and retching until she vomited and the rest of my family laughing to the point of tears.  In a practical sense, the dinner table provided me with a knowledge about daily events in the world and in my family.  It was at the dinner table that I learned manners that I very often forget to follow.  These memories have a special place in my heart and the heart's of my family, and they play a larger role in our lives than we normally think.

The average American spend 162 minutes daily on their phone according to a recent survey.  Only 59 percent of families said that they ate at least five meals a week together as a family according to the Huffington Post.  Sadly this is the new way of life for families.  There simply is not an emphasis on family life, and the family meal for that matter.  Why does this matter? Various studies have concluded that family meals promote healthier eating habits, create better family cohesion, and overall help keep children health, both emotionally and physically.  The family meal is an excellent way to combat the growing decentralization of family life.

Family meals have played a crucial role in my upbringing.  Every night, I knew I could count on a meal with my family as we gave thanks to God for our food and for each other.  In a practical sense it brings us together and away from the things that pull us away from one another.  Its such a cliche statement in our culture to hear about how we spend too much time on technology.  Listen and make the change.  Next time you are with your family, eat a meal together and put the emphasis on family.

Identity

Having siblings was never my choice.  Everyday, despite anything I do,  I have four siblings.  During my early childhood I very often disputed the fact that they were my siblings.  Being that I didn't really like anyone from the age of eleven till the age of thirteen, I tried to disown all of my siblings at one point or another.  Despite all of my extensive efforts at that time, they remain my siblings.  During my terrible preteen and teenage years, I would never have thought that I would have become as close to my two youngest sisters as I am now.  The relationship I have built with them has become something that is truly a gift.  I only wish I had realized just how much of a gift it was before I left for college.  

I have no problem admitting that I cried my eyes out once my family left.  As a self proclaimed Mamma's boy and a homebody, I like home and all of the comforts associated with it.  Seeing my parents leave was tough, but saying goodbye to my sisters Anna and Julia broke my heart.  They sobbed before they were even close to leaving, but when my parents had to pry my sister from my waist, all I can say was that I was unprepared.  Since I said goodbye to my sisters I have talked to them almost four days a week, every week.  Hearing their excitement in their voices is quite honestly the best way to start and finish my day.  

A few days ago, I received a package in the mail containing the usual food items.  This time, however, I was lucky enough to get two letters and two stuffed animals from Anna and Julia.  In the letters they wrote how much they missed me, how they couldn't wait to visit, and that I needed to make sure I fed the stuffed animals everyday.  This has to be one of the best moments of my career as a brother.  I didn't realize until then the impact and importance I had in their lives.  We all know how we feel about our family members, but what we don't know is how they feel about us.  

Coming to the realization that I meant that much to them has had a profound effect on me.  When I talk to them I truly listen to their daily lives.  I try to get involved, and feel their excitement, and share in their happiness, and often times sadness.  I understand the gift I have in them, and I understand their love.  I wish I had known all of this before.  I wish it hadn't taken so many years to understand the true depth of the relationship.  Yet in learning this through separation, I have found myself.  I am many things to many people, but at the end of the day, my true identity is as a family member.  As we struggle to find out who we are in a very chaotic world, step back and think about your family.  Put more emphasis on your family life, because family is our true origin and identity.  

Is the grass always greener on the other side?

I am the the oldest of five children.  For eighteen long years I have been the undisputed monarch in the land of siblings.  Despite years of strife and war, I continue to maintain my dominance over my siblings.  Being at the coveted position as oldest quite honestly is a mixed  bag.  At times it can be the best experience, with wonderful rewards to make it worth the work.  On the other hand, being the oldest can truly be an unpleasant position.

Before I make any complaints about being the oldest, I should state that my life is pretty darn good.  Any whining about being the oldest is fairly trivial.  However, at times it can be exhausting and just plain not fun.  Much like the super star actor, or the big time sports star, being at the top makes for a long fall.  As the oldest sibling I have increased responsibilities in regards to chores and helping around the house.  I must always set the example, be more responsible, and be "the better person".  One day after track practice I was supposed to pick up my little sisters, Anna and Julia, from their field hockey practice. Somehow, I let it slip my mind, and I paid for my mistake not by getting in trouble, but because my sisters were very upset about being forgotten. For a few days I wasn't the cool brother, but rather I was the brother who let his little sisters down. Being the big brother can be a tough roll to fulfill, and it is even harder when I don't live up to the expectations.

Being the oldest is pretty unique.  Everything I did was special to my family members.  Not only am I the oldest child, but I am the first grandchild on my mom's side.  To put it in rather arrogant terms, I was a big deal.  When I do something, whether it be in sports, school, or in general life, I am usually the first one to have done it.  I am the first child to have graduated high school, the first to have gone to college, the first to have learned to drive and so on.  Basically my family made a big deal out of everything because I was the first to do such things.  Being the oldest came with simple but important privileges like being at the head of the dinner table, going to work with dad, and learning to shoot and fish. I am lucky enough to have my siblings look up to me and want to do the things I do.  One of my saddest, yet best days of being a brother was the day my sisters Anna and Julia cried when they dropped me off at college. It broke my heart, yet at the same time it made all the responsibility and pressure of being an older brother worth it.

Is the grass always greener on the other side?   I have no idea because I have never been there.  I will always be the oldest.  We always think there is a better position to be in. We must simply realize that our side of the hill is green enough, and that we will never be on the other side.

Sibling Rivalry

Being one of five children has never been the easiest situation.  There is always a wait, always a line, always someone else talking to Mom when you need her, and therefore a perfect reason to fight.  I have three sisters and one brother, and I can honestly say that sibling rivalries are perhaps one of my favorite things about being a brother.  This may seem strange, and it is.

My sister Abby, who is sixteen years old, and I have one of the strongest relationships that we swear is from 14 years of loathing each other.  From the day Abby was born, I had a problem with her.  As a two year old, I was in constant trouble for smacking my baby sister, making faces at her, and purposefully bothering her at every opportunity.  As I grew older and more bold, I commonly would pick her up and drop her on purpose.  I have no idea what drove me to such drastic and brutal methods, but my parents truly believe it was due to the fact that I liked being the only child.  And as we grew older, the hostility between us only grew.

She, to her credit, was much more civil to me than I ever was to her.  Most of the rivalry was created in my mind, while she longed for me to say a word to her that wasn't uttered in breathless impatience or anger.  We spent hours sitting on the couch together sobbing, as my parents forced us to hold hands as a punishment.  We hurt each other, and we constantly strove to surpass the other's achievements.  It was in trying to best each other, though,  that we began to grow closer.  Instead of yelling and competing, we spent time together, and for the first time, I realized that she wasn't all that bad.  She truly was a fun person to be around, but I had been too blind and consumed in my own arrogance to see it.

Why is this one of my favorite things about being a brother?  Now that these rivalries has passed me, I can look back with my sister and laugh about how truly ignorant and childish we were.  Even more entertaining though, is watching my other siblings act just as I did when I was their age.

Many families have a history of sibling relationships.  Very often, when I speak to my parents, aunts, uncles, and other families, they all have stories of great climactic battles between siblings.  The conflicts between themselves and their brothers and sisters are sources of happiness and laughs.  Sibling rivalries at a young age seemed so important.  Yet as we grow older, blessed by the wisdom of age, we can look back on the memories with fondness and humor.   Perhaps my sister and I did waste many years together.  Despite this, neither of us would go back and change a thing, because our rivalry helped us grow closer.  Those of us with siblings can all relate.  The antics of the rivalries we had can be looked upon as sources of true joy and the roots of strong family relationships.